Diary of a Call Girl

I am currently reading a book by the blogger Belle de Jour, Secret Diary of a Call Girl. I think something in me wants also to be able to participate in this lifestyle. I am also fascinated with Sasha Grey and The Girlfriend Experience by Steven Soderbergh. Women like BdJ and Sasha Grey are in control, their emotions don't get the best of them and they do not feel week. I think typically, women are sexually vulnerable. What I mean by this is that sex has greater psychological weight for women. I am not psychologically able to live this lifestyle. Sex for me is too emotional an experience.

But why am I drawn to it still? Probably because it symbolizes control over what it is to be a woman and yielding it as a powerful weapon. It is confidence and a realism that I wish I had, though I may be on a path to it. Men want sex, and that is why they are attracted to women. Women want protection, that is why they are drawn to men. I can't separate love from this transaction. I can't think of relationships as anything more than transactions. What does this say of me? I don't know. I don't know what I am trying to get at. All I can see in relationships is an end result: security.

Maybe that is superficial of me but I have had a life that has had very little of that word. I want stability and security. I want a husband, family, and career. I want it all. I want personal freedom and also responsibility to a family. I want a sexual fantasy and I want monogamy. I just want and I don't have it, whatever it is. I also want control, and that is something I will never have, to be sure.

Reading SDoaCG it amazes me how detached she is from the act. There is are no moral questions that occur in her mind, she just does it, enjoys it, and it is over. I am waiting for some sign of vulnerability, but see none yet. I still have most of the book to read. We'll see if I find it.